obsessed with veronica mars

when i went to see theresa in the hospital in s.a., she loaned me the 1st season of veronica mars. ever since then i have been addicted. i mean, it's bad! it's been less than 3 weeks and i have already seen the entire 1st season at least 3 times, certain episodes about a dozen times, rented all of the 2nd season, watched it twice and downloaded the soundtrack from itunes. (really good music, by the way!). oh, and then i bought both seasons. both! i am completely obsessed. i am pretty practical with my money and generally don't like to invest in buying t.v. series on dvd (even though i love them) because i feel like i shouldn't be spending so much money on things that are luxuries. it usually takes me months of deliberation and lots and lots of neuroses to make a big purchasing decision like buying dvd's, but i just couldn't help it! i bought two! it's just so good! like, amazingly, incredibly good!

of course, now that i have become hopelessly devoted to the show, theresa tells me that it might not make it to the end of its third season. the new cw has promised a full season of the show, but has, so far, only ordered half a season. what the fuck?!?!? i guess it's never done as well as they had hoped and the network isn't sure if the ratings will be high enough to keep it for the whole year. i can't believe how stressed this has made me. i will be so sad if the show doesn't make it. as sad and sick as it sounds, i'll be heartbroken. it's strange to be so attached to people who don't even exist. they aren't even real, but i love their world. maybe i love it so much because i just want to live in their world and not my own. whatever. it doesn't matter the reason. the show rocks and i just want it to go on for a little longer. i don't think that's asking for too much...

new paint job

my apartment complex is getting a much needed paint job. by saying "complex," i exaggerate. it's two little two-story buildings that contain 28 efficiency apartments. it's cute and perfect in it's tinyness, but i wouldn't call it a complex. anyway, ever since i moved in here about 3 and a half years ago, the buildings have needed paint, and badly. it's not the nicest of places, but for efficiencies, these are kind of cute. 2 big windows, a balcony, vaulted ceilings on the top floor. we even have a pool. but on the outside, the place has been a little shabby. i never minded, but it's pretty noticeable. and it was always something the tenants and i could bitch about when our manager was bugging us. "yeah, she can't bitch at us, if she wants the place to look nicer maybe she should paint it!" or something like that. well now, we can't say that anymore. (there are plenty of other things to bitch about, so the tenants are still gonna be fine, though.)
pretty soon, the paint job that has taken far too long will be completed and we'll have fresh, bright white walls and a blue-ish green trim. i would never have chosen these colors personally, but they work. they're bright and kind of tropical looking and it's new. just looking at the one side that they have completed makes me feel revived. yay! new paint job! and it only took 3 and a half years.

big, little death

my best friend theresa was pregnant and just lost her baby. "lost her baby" sounds vague and distant, like lock and key words to keep the horrible and painful reality far away. the truth is cruel and sad and brutal and just makes me sick. just a week ago, theresa was expecting to have her baby in february, and went in to her 2nd routine sonogram. that's when she and her sister and mother found out that the baby was no longer alive. i've heard of miscarriages before. every woman knows of at least one woman who's suffered such a horrible blow. but i guess i never really thought about the fact that this baby that was living and growing inside, this child that is now dead has to come out somehow. the horrible and just downright tragically, sickly cruel fact is that after going through the emotional shock and pain of the loss of a child, the women have to go through the pain of childbirth anyway. all of that pain and work and trauma and at the end of it, all they have is death. it just makes me so sad. i am more upset about this than when my grandmother died. i am sad for theresa. heartbroken for her. i mourn for her and her son that didn't make it.
now, she's in the hospital recovering over the pain of having to take pills to induce labor, jerking her body into overwhelmingly painful and sudden contractions so that she could actually give birth to her dead baby at 7pm on monday. now she's got vicodan to ease the physical pain and some of the emotional one as well, but soon, the meds will be gone and the pain will settle in. and i hurt for it. i cry because of it and all i can do is try to be there when she needs it and send her the loving and healing energy that she'll need to get through this. and hope she knows that i'm here for her. i love you, theresa! and i'm here for you!

red neck brilliance

i hung out with my friend jake yesterday and we went to dave and busters and then saw talladega nights. it was the funniest movie i've seen in a long time. it might be up there with one of the funniest movies i've ever seen. i can't remember laughing so hard at another movie. like, ever. i know there have been a few others, but talladega nights was freaking brilliant. such excellent red neck/country/white trash references! complete with a crystal gayle t-shirt and a boat in the driveway. even better was a french version of "paint it black." this movie rocks! i'm laughing inside just thinking about it. that's all i got, but man, the movie rocks! yeehaw!

gentle port aransas

my 29th birthday was almost 2 weeks ago and to celebrate, my friend susan and i went to port aransas this monday andgot back yesterday. it was beautiful. hardly anyone was there. it was so quiet and peaceful and amazing. its been so long since i've had a break, i've been pushing myself so hard for so long that i had forgotten what rest and peace felt like. it was strange to feel the softness of the sea, the gentleness of the breeze, the passion in the waves and remember what it was and how so vital those things are. and also beauty. it's easy to forget how beautiful anything and everything is if you lay still enough to just see it. funny to realize that the beauty we seek is always there, but we have to be in the right state to see it.

it makes me think about love and relationships in some way. that in order to find the love we want, we have to be the love that we want. we have to be the person that we want. like, really, the most important thing is to fall in love with yourself. it sounds trite like something i heard from a well-meaning woman on oprah trying to teach girls about love and men, saying "love comes from within". girls hear that shit, (i did and, on some level, i believed it, i just couldn't figure out how to go about with the self-loving) but i don't think a lot of us really get it when we're younger. it's something you have to learn, i guess. but now, on my stretched-out official 29th birthday week, i think i actually get she was trying to say. and i finally feel like i might have grown up in ways that were under the surface. like, i am my own person, and i could actually have a real relationship with a man without completely fucking it up. (even as scared and nervous as it would still make me.) that's progress! it makes me feel like i could be a better friend too. and the pressure is off at the same time.

anyway, the relationship and love part is an afterthought, but it's all connected. really, i just feel like i finally remember what the point of the struggle is. it's about laying on the beach, breathing in the soft air, with the gentle breeze caressing your face, listening to the song of the wind and waves and in that moment, being where you are and being grateful for it. being grateful for the life i live and feeling that it's good enough. and remembering that the peace i seek is there all the time, i just have to put myself in the right place to find it.