fuck benefits

it has been about 6 years since i had a job with benefits, but finally, i have them again through barnes & noble. the only trouble is that i don't actually make enough money at barnes & noble to afford paying my bills and rent already, much less my benefits or the copay on my benefits! and then there's the time that i need to be spending writing and making contacts so that I can get the hell out of barnes & noble in general. so, i have an opportunity to do some writing/editing work that doesn't pay enough, but would give me more experience and at the same time would allow me to get the fuck away from working retail. i'd have to bartend again, but that would only take up 3 nights of my life and i'd be able to make enough money - almost twice the money than i'd make working 40 hours at barnes & noble - and have the time that i need to write more - i hope! anyway, i feel like it's what i need to do to move to the next level. i HATE working at b&n right now and i just don't have enough hours in the day, but the thought of giving up my benefits when i just got them freaks me the fuck out. what the hell is it with benefits that make you a slave to the man for all of eternity. i've heard people talking about them. they say that benefits make them feel safe and i'd like to make fun, but obviously, this deep sick nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought of being without them again is no joke! what the hell! i'm trapped by benefits and it's all crap. i'm a sickly sort of person, sure! but come the fuck on!! nothing can be worth all of this stress. nothing but the fear of being caught in a horrible accident where you aren't sure you're going to live and you're praying to whatever god just to make it through and you actually survive only to owe thousands of dollars because you gave up your benefits. shit!! i've got to get free of this before i decide to move to the burbs and find a nice husband to take care of me. i've just made appointments with the dentist, the doctor, the eye doctor and allergist to get them all taken care of in an attempt to use my benefits and then get out! i will not be a slave to benefits! i will not be a slave to benefits! maybe if i keep saying it, i'll actually mean it.....fuck!