always greener

Well, everyone, I am officially a professional freelance writer! I just got my first check in the mail for articles and work that I did for an Austin-based publication called Good Life Magazine. Yay! It wasn't a lot of money and it certainly won't pay the bills, but it's a start and it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something. Actually, that's a complete and total lie. I still question where I'm going. Still want to be somewhere else. Still don't know exactly what I'm doing. But I guess I have a sense of accomplishment that I haven't had in a while. It reminds me that I'm not just a bookseller at Barnes & Noble. I wasn't put here on earth just to kiss people's asses and ask them if they want to save 10% with a member card, or help them figure out the name of a book that they read about in last week's usa today that has the word "the" in the title and has a guy in it...("uh, i know it's called 'the something!' and it's got a blue or green cover. or maybe it's grey!")
I'm starting to rethink this whole working at a bookstore thing too. I'm just not making enough money. In Austin, people that work at Barnes & Noble make $7.50/hr. And that's after the initial temp rate and another performance based raise! Honestly, I'm thinking about going back to bartending. At least as a bartender, I could be rude to customers that deserved it and made more money with more free time. I'm starting to discover that customer service is customer service and it all sucks, so if i can make more money having to deal with customers less, I win!! Anyway, I digress! It was a great feeling to get that check! Even if I still don't know what I'm doing. Even if I'm looking at jobs to teach English in other far away countries as I write this. I mean, there's always something, right? Always something to be unhappy about. But, I'm on a track that feels alright for the moment. What else is there?

Dead Piece of Bone

I just got my wisdom teeth out a few weeks ago and everything went pretty well. A little soreness and stiffness, some fun pain pills and muscle relaxers, and a lot of pudding later, everything seemed to be fine. I avoided the dreaded dry socket and got to eat lots of mac and cheese. That was until I notices this white, hard boney thing on the inside of my jaw right next to a wisdom tooth pit. It looked normal enough. Like a canker sore that got a little out of control. I mean, I did have oral surgery afterall. But then it was hard and didn't sting the way that canker sores can. Well, after a few days and some good use out of my flashlight batteries, I noticed that it wasn't going away and called the dentist. Within two seconds, she knew what this white thing was. It's common enough, it seems. It's a bone spur. Apparently, as the areas around the tooth that was removed start to adjust and collapse, sometimes a little part of the bone in that area atrophies, dies, breaks off and begins to work it's way out of your body like a toxin would, or a porcupine quill, or shard of glass. Basically, it's making it's way out of the inside of my jaw, cutting through my skin from the inside, and won't stop (or stop hurting) until it does. I'm kind of alright with this on some level and even sickly fascinated by it. I totally want to keep the bone when it comes out! On the other hand, there is a piece of dead bone floating around inside my body. There's something about that that I can't quite get over. It amazes me. It disturbs me. It saddens me. It just wigs me out in this way I don't understand. Dead bone is in my body. It's making it's way out, but it's dead. It's hard and sharp and dead. I can't explain it, but it's gotten to me. And I don't know if I'll be the same again. Maybe I'm a little melodramatic, but still...