forever 29

i'm about to turn 29 and it's kind of wigging me out. it doesn't help that i look young. people assume that i'm still in college and ask me about my classes and i have to tell them that i graduated from college 7 years ago. it used to be something i enjoyed hearing. the "do you go to school?" question. then, i could be the big girl and say with glee, "no, i graduated blank years ago." but as the number keeps growing, as it's already been a year since my 10th year high school reunion, it starts to take on new meaning. whereas before, i sensed amazement at the fact that i might have more wisdom than i appeared to, now i feel people thinking, "what have you been doing with yourself?" like all of the sudden, my time has run out and now, i'm too old to be where i am in my life. too old to not really date. too old to not be settled. too old to live like i do. to be searching. to still be so much like a child. i mean, i know i've got issues and a lot of deep, dark stuff that has held me back in the way i go through life, but i never realized how much until times like this. when i compare the way that other people live their lives and the distant way that i live mine. all i can say is that i know. and i'm working on it. it's all i can do, really, while i watch another year go by.

where bartenders go to die

being back in the bar scene, i find that so many bartender stories are all the same. they started working at a bar when they were really young and just never left. they either never knew what they wanted to do or never felt like worrying about it and then eventually, time passed and they became stuck. i see a lot of them, stuck bartenders. not bitter or angry, but just kind of chilling out, not knowing what to do, not doing really anything but hanging out and drinking and working at a bar. (i did this for a little while too, but it was temporary and made me horribly depressed.) i don't sense much despair from most bartenders like this, but i can't help but feel like they are capable of more than this, like they actually want more, but just can't figure out what it is or where to get it. sometimes i wonder if some of them will be stuck there forever. i guess it's not so much a bartender thing as a human condition. i know all kinds of people that aren't particularly happy where they are, but can't seem to work up the energy to try something new. but i notice it with bartenders moreso. maybe it's because bartenders make so much money compared to other customer service jobs that they can be comfortable enough to stay there and don't actually have to move forward. maybe it's because they can drink a lot and just numb the problem away. but it seems like it's a tribe and people don't really want to leave it. like they'd just be like the elders that decide to be left behind one day and end up wandering the forest all alone until they die. still, eventually most of them go somewhere. they do something else. i just wonder what most people do when they leave. do they get some vision of their goal and leave the bar behind to embark on an exciting life adventure, or do they just fade away into other jobs that still aren't what they really wanted? do they ever find fulfillment or happiness? do they ever find peace? does the superficial and shallow way that bartenders have to go through their work days start to kill all sense of depth? can most bartenders function in the real world? what happens to all of us when we leave? where do we end up? where do we go when the bartender in us dies?

roomy with a view

i've lived alone for such a long time now that i feel like i've gotten a bit crotchedy. i want things the way i want them. i don't like people messing with my stuff. i'm annoyed when people just "stop by" my apartment. my place is a mess. i really am an old man.

i had always thought that i would never live with anyone ever again unless it was with the man that i knew i would eventually marry and even then, it would take me a long time to get there. but lately, i've been thinking that it might just be time. time for me to move out of my efficiency apartment and into a place with an actual living thing. i thought maybe i just needed a cat, but that's not enough. i need to have human interaction. i need to have someone to talk to. someone to hang out with. i actually need a roommate. it's really weirding me out, this whole concept, but there it is. i'm ready to do it! eeeeek!