The Hurricane Rita Storm Surge of Guilt

My family is insane. I'm not saying that I don't love them. On the contrary, they are this huge part of my life. I'm just saying that they are fucking nuts. A big chunk of my family lives in Houston which is, as we speak, being threatened by a huge-ass category 5 hurricane (for those of you not among the 'cane savvy, the scale only goes up to 5). Of course, for most people, it would be a time to gather the family in their own cars and head off to some other location all together -- just loving each other. Instead, my totally neurotic older sister took the opportunity to turn it into another vehicle to drive her own anxiety out of control and take me with her. After a day of phone calls that began with hysterical crying and continued with anxiety-filled demands that I get canned goods and water for the part of the storm that was coming my way (which I did like a sucker, spending more money than I have in my already insufficient budget on food that i'm never going to eat -- well, except for the chef boyardee, when did they start making cheese ravioli?...). But that was just the beginning. In fact the more the day progressed, the more out of control things got. There was wigging about gas, wigging about food, wigging about family and of course my sister's standard crazy whacked out wig about how she doesn't want to die. And then, there was the grand finale royale of wigs at 1:30 in the morning that went a little something like this:

SISTER (Freaking out)

Blah, Blah, Blah

We need to get out of the city as soon as

possible and dad wants to wait because

we have nowhere to go!!! Blah Blah.

I know you only have an efficiency

but can the 11 of us stay with you?

I just need to get out of here! Oh, my god!

I just want to get out of here as soon as possible!

Oh my god!

ME (tired, casual)

Duh. Of course you can stay here. I already talked

to Mom about it. And Brian and Matthew have apartments too.

I'm sure they'll have space too. They are family after all.

SISTER

I just need your help and I'm not getting it.

You're so selfish! Why can't you help me!

ME (without the energy to deal with her hysteria)

I told you that you could stay. What more do

you want from me?

SISTER

You haven't done anything! I need your help and you

won't help me! We need to get out of here!

ME

And I told you that you have a place to stay.

SISTER

I just need your help, Whitney! And you can't give it to

me! This might be the last time you ever talk to me!

ME

Please! I am helping you! I already talked to mom.

Obviously, you can stay with me. That's alrady been established.

You need to calm down!

SISTER

You're not being very supportive! Blah, blah, guilt, guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt! I just need to go!

(click! phone hangs up.)

One of us calls the other again. I don't remember who.

SISTER

Look! This could be the last time we ever talk to each other

maybe we should be nice to each other.

ME(not particularly loving)

Whatever. I'll talk to you later.

SISTER

One day you're going to regret this conversation!

ME

One day you're going to kiss my ass!

Thus is gist of our conversation. It contains a few more hang ups and call backs, a lot more shouting and swearing and concludes with us making up and me staying on the on the phone with my sister while she gets gas and groceries at the 24 hour store. But it's all crazy. What do you do when you're sister is crazy. Just hang up, I tell myself! Just don't answer the phone when she continues to call and leave cruel and crazy messages on your voice mail! You only encourage her! You're only going to be mean and say things you regret! It can only go into a" Fuck you" match from here! But I can't stop it. The hurricane sucks me in everytime. It builds up strength and won't stop spinning. It crushes everything in it's path. Not any structures I've built can withold the fury. Not stronger self-worth. Not better communication skills. Not 2 years of weekly therapy. I'm helpless in the face of it. There's got to be a way to evacuate before the storm. I just have to find it! And fast!

Complete Wigging

Well, I guess I don't feel as completely bitter today. My bitterness has been replaced with complete anxiety, with the nagging feeling that I have no control over any of this. I've done what I can. I can't do anything else today, but I'm still sitting at this desk with nothing to do, but fidget and freak out. I really do have anxiety issues. I'm a freak outer. It's pretty pathetic. And rather distressing. Actually, really facing up to that brings back many a flashback from my not-too-distant past of utter, unable to deal wigging -- usually related to a boy. And a few friends too. I don't think that I'm ultra high maintenance in the classical sense of the term. But I think I'm a sleeper high maintenance person. You'd never know it, and I'm not always even aware of it when it's happening, but don't react or be the kind of friend that I need and want you to be and deep down inside the beast is awoken. And it wants revenge!! Or at least to establish its own dominance and independence. That's whack!! Anyway, it's hard to admit, but it's true and I'm getting to the point where I've realized it's all about my own self worth. My own shit and I need to deal and get over myself. Don't we all. Oh well, more anxiety later. There's plenty more to go around!!

Total Bitterness

So, I'm sitting here at my temp job wondering how the hell I ended up here, wondering if I'm ever going to get a freaking job that doesn't completely suck. I know: poor, poor me! But I swear to God, I'm not even looking for total perfection -- somewhat sucking would be fine -- just something that seems like it is a little worthwhile. And uses a little bit of intelligence for something more than just putting up with stupid people and taking care of people by doing things that they should be able to do themselves. It's not like I haven't been trying. I have been trying to network and keep on it and be persistent without stalking and I don't know what else to do. This shit just shouldn't be this fucking hard. I'm sure I'll have more perspective tomorrow or even this afternoon, and blah, blah, blah, but whatever. I'm feeling negative and pissed off today. Fuck it!!