my 29th birthday was almost 2 weeks ago and to celebrate, my friend susan and i went to port aransas this monday andgot back yesterday. it was beautiful. hardly anyone was there. it was so quiet and peaceful and amazing. its been so long since i've had a break, i've been pushing myself so hard for so long that i had forgotten what rest and peace felt like. it was strange to feel the softness of the sea, the gentleness of the breeze, the passion in the waves and remember what it was and how so vital those things are. and also beauty. it's easy to forget how beautiful anything and everything is if you lay still enough to just see it. funny to realize that the beauty we seek is always there, but we have to be in the right state to see it.
it makes me think about love and relationships in some way. that in order to find the love we want, we have to be the love that we want. we have to be the person that we want. like, really, the most important thing is to fall in love with yourself. it sounds trite like something i heard from a well-meaning woman on oprah trying to teach girls about love and men, saying "love comes from within". girls hear that shit, (i did and, on some level, i believed it, i just couldn't figure out how to go about with the self-loving) but i don't think a lot of us really get it when we're younger. it's something you have to learn, i guess. but now, on my stretched-out official 29th birthday week, i think i actually get she was trying to say. and i finally feel like i might have grown up in ways that were under the surface. like, i am my own person, and i could actually have a real relationship with a man without completely fucking it up. (even as scared and nervous as it would still make me.) that's progress! it makes me feel like i could be a better friend too. and the pressure is off at the same time.
anyway, the relationship and love part is an afterthought, but it's all connected. really, i just feel like i finally remember what the point of the struggle is. it's about laying on the beach, breathing in the soft air, with the gentle breeze caressing your face, listening to the song of the wind and waves and in that moment, being where you are and being grateful for it. being grateful for the life i live and feeling that it's good enough. and remembering that the peace i seek is there all the time, i just have to put myself in the right place to find it.
