The Brood That Passes Through You

I'm about to head home in a little more than a week and I can already tell that when I get there I'm going to be a little dazed and depressed. It's nothing to be worried about. Just something that happens sometimes and I know the signs. Still, in my big-mouthed way of sharing everything, I told this to my boyfriend Tony and I guess it made him worry. He said something about that it takes the joy out of me coming home if it's going to make me upset. I assured him that he need not worry because I always get a little broody and down with change and that it's temporary. I just need to space out and brood for, like, a day or two and I'll be fine.

But now, I'm kind of worried about it. I'm afraid that when I do, in fact, feel the brood coming on that I'm going to have to pretend that everything is fine when I'm around him so he doesn't start to feel bad. Which sucks because spending time with my parents, particularly my mother, that's all I do. My mom gets really stressed out and overwhelmed whenever I show any signs of being unhappy. It doesn't bother me because I know that, most of the time, it's not a big deal. And even if it is, I can work it out and all is well. I really think my mom gets scared, like, if you unleash the unhappy beast, it might devour you. The more I think about it, the more I think that must be how she feels about herself. Poor mom. Poor mom, but, as her daughter, it's exhausting to deal with. I know she wants to be there for us and for us to feel like we can talk to her, but really, she doesn't want to hear our anxieties. They trigger her anxieties. Oh, the joys of spending so much time with family!!!!

Anyway, I've been waiting to get home, so I could be an adult and feel free to brood all I want (the irony and sillyness isn't lost on me), but now, I don't know what to think. I know that, really, it's good to be honest in relationships. (It sounds good anyway...) But I think I can be a little too honest about how I'm feeling sometimes. Or maybe that's what my mom would say. I don't really know what to do about it and it's very confusing.

I guess I'll do what I want and need and nobody, even myself, can stop me, so there's no point in worrying about it. And anyway, I can always blame the jetlag enough for me to have a day or two of brooding. Tony works on the weekend days, so really, if I arrive on Wednesday late at night (on Aug. 8), I only have 2 days before I'm able to brood for a whole 8 hours in peace anyway, so it won't be so bad. But it makes me confused about the communicative "rules" of relationships and what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to be a burden. But that just makes me want to pull away. And maybe I shouldn't worry about it until I get there. It's coming soon enough.

Pop Secret

Writing in my Travel blog, I was reminded of another smell that reminds me of a time in my life and where I was. Oh, the memories!

My first job, at 16 years old, was at AMC Movie Theatre in Humble, TX. The first summer I worked there, the theatre was so busy with True Lies, Speed and The Lion King that we behind the concession stand never had a chance to clean anything. By the end of the night, Concession was so caked with popcorn and butter and grease that it took about two hours and a whole lotta cleaner to get everything clean again. In the process, my shoes would be covered with chunks of wet popcorn and cleaning fluid. Every time I came home from work, the smell clung to me and my shoes (that I would eventually leave in the car). Even to this day, I can remember that distinct smell of popcorn mixed with cleaner.

Boring Recap of the Last 3 Months of My Life

i've been really busy and really slacking. that's my excuse. i didn't mean to let it go this long without writing, but what can i say? i've never been good at discipline. anyway, here are the highlights: i started seeing someone at the end of december. i'll blame him for a lot of this because men are very distracting -- especially when they're cute... but to depart from acting like a junior high school girl (if that's possible..) it was very unexpected and is very wonderful. his name is tony, i've known him for about 4 years and he's the greatest guy ever. (but that's for another story) moving on, i got really sick with a sinus infection, then had to recover. i quit my job at the bar and moved out of my apartment to go to san diego and then delayed my plans. i moved into my man's apartment to figure out new plans and decided to go to cairo to stay with my parents and write. yeah, it sounds exciting. i realized halfway through this that i'm tired. i think i'm going to write more later cause that's all i got right now. ciao!

lord of the blog

i meant to blog more, but things have been busy. i really have nothing to say right now other than the fact that i'm moving to san diego and i'm really excited about it. who knows what's going to happen, but all i know is that i'm bringing good luck with me. and it's a beautiful thing.

p.s. i miss you lara!