I'm about to head home in a little more than a week and I can already tell that when I get there I'm going to be a little dazed and depressed. It's nothing to be worried about. Just something that happens sometimes and I know the signs. Still, in my big-mouthed way of sharing everything, I told this to my boyfriend Tony and I guess it made him worry. He said something about that it takes the joy out of me coming home if it's going to make me upset. I assured him that he need not worry because I always get a little broody and down with change and that it's temporary. I just need to space out and brood for, like, a day or two and I'll be fine.
But now, I'm kind of worried about it. I'm afraid that when I do, in fact, feel the brood coming on that I'm going to have to pretend that everything is fine when I'm around him so he doesn't start to feel bad. Which sucks because spending time with my parents, particularly my mother, that's all I do. My mom gets really stressed out and overwhelmed whenever I show any signs of being unhappy. It doesn't bother me because I know that, most of the time, it's not a big deal. And even if it is, I can work it out and all is well. I really think my mom gets scared, like, if you unleash the unhappy beast, it might devour you. The more I think about it, the more I think that must be how she feels about herself. Poor mom. Poor mom, but, as her daughter, it's exhausting to deal with. I know she wants to be there for us and for us to feel like we can talk to her, but really, she doesn't want to hear our anxieties. They trigger her anxieties. Oh, the joys of spending so much time with family!!!!
Anyway, I've been waiting to get home, so I could be an adult and feel free to brood all I want (the irony and sillyness isn't lost on me), but now, I don't know what to think. I know that, really, it's good to be honest in relationships. (It sounds good anyway...) But I think I can be a little too honest about how I'm feeling sometimes. Or maybe that's what my mom would say. I don't really know what to do about it and it's very confusing.
I guess I'll do what I want and need and nobody, even myself, can stop me, so there's no point in worrying about it. And anyway, I can always blame the jetlag enough for me to have a day or two of brooding. Tony works on the weekend days, so really, if I arrive on Wednesday late at night (on Aug. 8), I only have 2 days before I'm able to brood for a whole 8 hours in peace anyway, so it won't be so bad. But it makes me confused about the communicative "rules" of relationships and what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to be a burden. But that just makes me want to pull away. And maybe I shouldn't worry about it until I get there. It's coming soon enough.
