sometimes i stay inside my little efficiency apartment for days and hardly come out at all. i don't see the sun, i don't change out of my pajamas. i just stay inside and hide. sometimes i'll go pick up food, but sometimes i just make really creative foods with the stuff i have. that's when i whip out the instant mashed potatoes or the easy mac that i got when i got my wisdom teeth out. it's like i just don't want to deal with any of it. like i'd rather stay in my apartment forever and never talk to anyone. just read my star wars books like i did all day today. it's only the nagging somewhere inside that snaps me out of it. and the fact that, eventually, i have to go to work at the bar. (right now anyway.)
sometimes this way of being really worries me. i get this way sometimes, but it's been worse lately. i know i should get out more. i know i should engage more. but sometimes i'm just so tired that i can't bring myself to do it. like today. i did work at the bar thursday, friday and saturday nights and i already write and do my new calendars editing job every other free time i have. it could just be fatigue. but it's not. it's something else that i can't quite put my finger on. there's something up with me lately and i can't figure it out. it's more than depression, it's more than being tired. it's something else. like a virus that won't go away because it's not done yet. not done with me yet. so much that's under the surface that even i don't understand feels like it's rising up in me. it feels like grief, but i don't understand. i feel like i'm grieving a loss. like someone broke up with me, like i was just punched in the gut. but there's been no one for so long it's not even funny.
it just doesn't make sense. i guess in some ways it does. i'm doing something totally new and it's scary. i'm going to take on more new challenges in about a month that will be really good for me, but scares the shit out of me.
maybe i'm too hard on myself and i really just need a break. i'd guess that's a good part of it too, but there's more to it than that. i'm just tired and i want it to go away. i know soon i'll fight it and it'll go away, but right now, i just want to stay inside and eat my mashed potatoes and read my star wars books and just let it all go. maybe i'll go on a walk in the sun tomorrow. once my mashed potatoes run out.
