well, i started bartending at maggie mae's again. the bar i started at 4 years ago and quit about 2 and a half years ago. i decided that since i did actually get that part-time writing and editing gig that it would be a good idea to go back to the bar and have more time (and more money) to work on my writing and get a better job or maybe even a number of jobs that were a bit less maddening than working retail at a book store. all i'd have to work is three nights a week to cover my bills. it had taken me a long time to reach this decision and i wasn't totally stoked about it, but i had made my peace with it, saying that it was only temporary and that i'm really starting to lose it with my total lack of free time and rest. i mean, it's getting really bad. anyway, i know a lot of the people there still, but really only two people that worked there back in the day actually work there now, so even though it felt like going back, i comforted myself with the thought that it was different. things in my life were different. i was a different person than i was before and i wouldn't get bogged down in it like i did in the past.
i wasn't prepared for how strange it would feel, though. i didn't foresee the flashback of memories, the strange mixture of loneliness and nostalgia. didn't anticipate the extreme competitive-ness that pervades the bar. i had totally forgotten about my weekly loss of voice due to it being so loud. and nothing could have prepared me for the ex-boyfriend and former maggie mae's employee that would walk through the door on my 3rd night back and make me feel happy and then horrible all over again (i'm sure there'll be a blog for that story later).
i feel like maybe all of this is a sign. like it's not going to be as easy as i thought. like i need to find a job at another bar first and a completely different job sooner than i thought. i need to be in a place that doesn't bring all of this shit up for me. maybe a nice dive bar, a real neighborhood place that you don't have to scream in to have a conversation. i guess it's true that you can never go back. maybe it'll be easier once i get rid of one of my three jobs (which i do tomorrow...). or maybe it's just time to move on. maybe i really am a different person, just much more different than i thought. it makes me long for the times when i couldn't wait to go to work at maggie mae's. when jake and jay and jim and larry and gerimie and maggie and i all had so much fun working and drinking and being together. when i used to flirt with brian (the former barback and aforementioned ex) and he was so sweet and i got so excited just thinking about him. before i found out that pretty much everyone but me also liked their cocaine. before brian pulled away. before everyone quit or got fired (mostly fired) one by one and left me there all alone.
call it melodramatic, but there it is. my therapist says that depression can be good when you listen to it because it tells you something's wrong. well, lately, something has been really wrong and i really do know it. i just want to make it right. i just wish things could stay the same when they're good and when i'm happy sometimes. or maybe i just want to know how to find my own current and future happiness. all i know is it's not here, not at the bar and i know the drill: i may as well push forward because i can't go back. life is change. the four noble truths. blah-dy blah. blah-dy blah blah blah.
